Updated: Jan 8
So you finally did it! You prepped, took the leap, and followed through with your swinging explorations. You’re probably thinking, “What’s next?” Trust me; you’re not the only one.
There’s no definitive step-by-step guide on how to do swinging right, but one thing’s for sure. Successful swingers check in with their partner. Debriefing and reconnecting should be the priorities once you’ve reaped the pleasures of swinging.
You decided to do this as a team, so you should come together and share how you both are doing. Let’s explore how to debrief and why it’s essential.
Why does debriefing matter?
Swinging is more than just having fun while having sex. Sure, it’s exciting since you’re trying something new. But it can also be exhausting. It can take a toll on your body, not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.
During swinging, all parties involved are concerned about looking their most desirable and being enticing enough for the other swingers. You were also probably worried about how your partner was doing. Are they having fun? Are they having second thoughts? You can never tell.
And by the end of it all, you might find yourself feeling worn out. Overall, swinging can be an overwhelming experience for your senses and emotions, and reconnecting with your partner may ease this feeling.
Transitioning from the roller coaster swinging sex to seeking reassurance and comfort from your partner might sound tricky. It is doable as long as you do it right—that means coming from a place of love and open communication.
When should debriefing take place?
There’s no single rule when it comes to reconnecting with your partner. You just both want to feel connected, and there’s no one else who knows what you need better than the two of you.
So when should you do it? Immediately after the deed, it might be too awkward -not to mention rude- for the other parties present.
The best timing is when you and your partner are already alone and are in the right headspace to discuss things. The debrief does not have to happen the same night as your playdate.
Find a relaxing spot. It may be in your own home—on the patio while sharing a bottle of wine or in the bedroom just before getting ready for bed. Cuddling may help as it establishes a sense of intimacy.
If you came from a different place to swing, waiting until you arrived home would be ideal. Initiating a physical touch on the ride home, though, would not hurt.
A simple holding of the hand or leaning on your partner’s shoulder offers reassurance and encourages a gentle conversation.
Debriefing, how to, and essential talking points
It would be helpful not to treat debriefing as a formal or confrontational discourse. The goal is to be as relaxed and as comfortable as possible to exercise communication. It should not feel like an ambush but rather as a gesture of love.
Debriefing might sound uncomfortable, but if it comes from a place of love, it will come easily and naturally. It usually addresses the following points:
What worked and what didn’t Swinging is a team effort. It’s essential to discuss what you liked and what you did not, so you can maximize the good stuff moving forward. Plus, it would be a great time to discuss whether any or all of your needs were met.
Should we do this again? That first swinging experience will be your benchmark for the future ones. It will be your basis for deciding whether or not to continue exploring or just go back to the way things were. As you reconnect, make sure that you also cover the next steps and how to move forward. Should you try something new, or did you discover that you want to avoid certain things?
Addressing Jealousy It is not uncommon to feel pangs of jealousy when you see your partner getting intimate with someone else. Even swinging veterans can feel jealousy in certain situations. You and your partner must be sure that no other person or couple can take away or match what you have together. Let your partner know if anything made you uncomfortable during the act, and make sure that you hear them out as well.
When debriefing one another after swinging, the ultimate goal is to establish whether you achieved your goals, how much and why you enjoyed it, and whether or not swinging will be a part of your lifestyle moving forward.
Can debriefing also be physical?
Aside from debriefing one another on the mental and emotional aspects, physical reconnection also helps. Physical does not necessarily mean sex.
It could be any physical act that equates to intimacy, such as cuddling, holding one another, and exchanging kisses and hugs.
Taking a shower together might also be a good idea. Aside from the physical intimacy it entails, it also symbolizes starting over with a clean slate as you get ready to go to bed.
You can also incorporate physical touch during the mental and emotional parts of the debriefing. A simple, gentle massage for your partner would also be ideal. It’s physically stimulating, plus it diminishes the confrontational feeling as you do not need to face one another.
Practical swinging aftercare tips
Here are some great debriefing and swinging aftercare tips that might help you and your partner cultivate a sense of security and reconnection after a night of being intimate with other people.
Build a routine. Having a ritual will help strengthen your relationship and give you something to look forward to sharing. It could be grabbing take-out food from your special place, opening up your favourite wine to share, or making each other a soothing cup of tea or cocoa. Having your particular routine will also help to make sure you don’t forget to check-in.
Find an activity that the two of you enjoy doing together. It may be as simple as solving puzzles together, binge-watching your all-time favourite TV shows, or as messy as cooking your go-to recipes or even baking! This will remind you of how good you two are together and how much you enjoy each other’s company — swinging or no swinging!
One kiss is all it takes. Not literally! But sharing a passionate kiss after an exhausting night of swinging is a great reminder that no matter with whom you share intimate sexual acts, you are still emotionally exclusive to one another. Reassurance and focusing on each other are critical! Talking is essential for your debriefing, but sometimes actions can speak louder than any words.
Set the mood. It can be as grand as candles, rose petals, scented oils, or as simple as getting a breath of fresh air in your garden. What’s important is that both of you are at ease and in happy places. You might find it helps to clean up your bedroom before you leave for your swinger dates. This way, you will have a comforting place waiting for your return & defuse the potential stress of coming home to a mess.
Prepping a care package. Besides setting the mood, building your care package can reinforce your routine and ensure your favourite comfort items are ready for you. Things like an oversized warm blanket to cuddle together, or your favourite rehydrating drinks, or even unique soaps to help you clean up the sweat & lube can help you both take the best care of each other.
Breakfast in bed. If you find yourselves are too tired after swinging, consider reconnecting the following day instead of when you will be fresh & rested. Sharing a hearty meal after a tiring night also rekindles your sense of security and belonging to each other. It is easier to talk about the latest rendezvous when you both feel rested and fed.
Practice your love language. Debriefing that comes from a place of love is the best approach after a night of swinging. Familiarise yourselves with each other’s love languages and ensure that you speak accordingly.
Above all else, both of you must still feel secure and have strong trust in your relationship even after a night of swinging.
Should you and your partner decide to pursue swinging and make it a part of your lifestyle, make sure always to include debriefing and reconnecting as part of your process. This way, you can quickly check in on one another, seamlessly address pain points, and maximize the pleasure and enjoyment needed to fulfil each other’s needs.
Debriefing also offers a whole new level of honest and open communication—solid foundations for a stronger bond between you and your partner.