We decided to swing, now what ?

Welcome to the wonderful world of swinging! Now that you’ve surmised that your commitment, love, and devotion to one another will not be threatened by casual sex with other people, you can call yourselves swingers.

Maybe you’re ready to take the first tiny steps into this lifestyle. Maybe you’re ready to dive right in. Regardless of how quickly or slowly you choose to get started, there are a few things to do before that very first encounter.

Figure out what you both want to do.

Seasoned swingers see too many new couples who have a mismatched level of desire and enthusiasm for swinging. This is a big decision. Don’t be (or allow your partner to be) the person who is doing only what their partner wants to do. Ask your partner about their fantasies and tell them yours. If your partner’s fantasies make you uncomfortable, talk about the reasons why. Swinging requires honesty.

Talk about limits.

Don’t just set limits; actually talk about WHY you want these limits. Maybe you want to start with a full swap, but your partner is not ready. Maybe your partner wants the two of you to start with women only. Maybe you want same room play, and your partner feels comfortable playing separately. If you decide you don’t want to do (or see your partner do) certain things, make sure you explain why. It’s easier to respect limits when you understand the value and the reasons behind them.

Leave room for negotiation.

Some limits will be deemed non-negotiable (example: one of you may not want to try bi play) but if unexpected opportunities present themselves, don’t be surprised if you or your partner suddenly feel like you’re willing to bend the “rules”. Be open to negotiation if your partner ask to change the rules, but don’t be afraid to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Establish a few “secret” signals.

Sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be honest. We once met a couple and I was interested but my husband was not. We were unexpectedly on the spot and asked if we’d like to follow them to their hotel. I was excited, but my husband struggled to find away to very subtly say “NO WAY!” without hurting their feelings. Another time, we decided to host a threesome and I was turned off by the (very nice, friendly, respectful) guest’s subtle body odor. After those experiences, my we came up with some secret code phrases. Example: “Do I look tired?” means “I”m not interested” and “I’m really hungry” means “I want to leave as soon as possible.”

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

You or your partner might realize you’re not ready for a full swap AFTER you experience your first full swap. You might pick the wrong couple, drink too much, or stay out too late. Don’t let mistakes cause tension and resentment. Acknowledge what went wrong and talk about it. Apologize and forgive when necessary. Learn and grow from both good and bad experiences together.

Consider other people’s needs and desires.

If I had a dollar for every message or proposition from a new couple who clearly didn’t consider my desires, I’d have a whole bunch of dollars! The more “rules” you present to a unicorn or couple, the less appealing you will be. Couples who “can’t” seem to meet anyone are often the ones who have a very one-sided perspective of swinging. If you have a specific fantasy that involves a 3rd or another couple, please don’t forget that swinging isn’t all about you and your partner. The others involved have their own desires and fantasies too! Make sure you’re open to considering the pleasures and needs of everyone involved.

Finally, make a plan for your first date or event.

Find an event, party, or swinger meet up and commit to going together. Look for other couples or singles on Swingtowns and send a message. Don’t wait for something to fall into your lap. Also, don’t expect your wildest sexual fantasy to come true right away!

Be realistic and patient and before you know it, you’ll be living your wildest fantasies!

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